Her name is Delaney

That's right!  We have another little girl that belongs to our family!  She's perfect. Ten itty bitty fingers and ten itty bitty toes.  She somehow already looked like Chloe to us. 
My thoughts seem so jumbled right now.  This whole experience, especially at the hospital, has given me so much to take in. 
We got to the hospital at 3am on Saturday morning.  After all the paperwork, medical history, and prep they started me just before 6am.  Things were pretty slow at first.  Jeremy went out to get breakfast and I ordered from the hospital menu.  Yum :/  We tried to rest.  But it was pointless.  Jeremy's breakfast made him sick so by mid day we were a pretty sad pair.  Luckily I had some Tylenol in my purse because the nurses couldn't give him anything.  It makes sense, but really folks?  You can't spare 4 advil?  Oh well, the Tylenol helped him rest a little bit.  The nurse we had from 3-7am on Saturday was a sweetheart.  She, Kelley, was really friendly and put me at ease.  The nurse I had the rest of the day on Saturday, Tracy, was nice but was overly concerned about how hard this would be for me.  It was a little unsettling, but she was still very kind and considerate. 
Just before 2:00 my mom texted me and said she was on her way to the hospital.  Mom's always know.  Even before I knew it was time for her to head over, she knew.  By the time she got there I needed her so badly.  When she said she was on her way, I was getting pretty uncomfortable.  By the time she arrived, I had asked for an epidural.  Jeremy literally couldn't stand on his own two feet because breakfast was still wreaking havoc on him.  The anesthesiologist came in right behind mom and my anxiety level jumped!  That process is so difficult for me... with the c-sections its a spinal block and this was actually more difficult than that.  Still worth it, just a very unpleasant process.  Jeremy is the only one allowed in the operating room and normally holds me while they do it.  But since he couldn't stand up, my mom held me and talked me thru it.  I don't know what I'd have done with out her. I'm so glad she came when she did. 
The next 2 or 3 hours seem like maybe an hour in my mind.  I spent those hours shaking mostly.  My mom used essential oils to help me relax and they helped a little but not a ton.  She stood by me and I could feel Jeremy wanting to be there next to me too.  Around 4ish, I think, the nurse said I was probably about ready to get baby out.  Dr. Richardson came in a little while later and they got everything ready.  I got to experience, on some level, that delivery that I've always wanted.  Jeremy came and sat by my side while we brought our daughter into this world.  I won't write the whole experience here but I don't think I'll soon forget it either.  My baby was here.  The cord had to be cut before I could hold her so while the doctor was doing that I asked to know if it was a boy or girl.  I already knew.  I couldn't imagine that she could possibly tell me it was a boy.  And she didn't.  I had a girl.  My boys have another sister and Chloe has one too!  They laid my little girl on my chest and all the anxieties, worries, and fears I had had leading up to that very moment melted away into the most calm and peaceful feeling I've ever experienced.  I didn't cry.  I didn't need to.  I just sat there looking at her.  Falling completely in love with a perfect little body.  She had nothing visibly wrong with her.  She was smaller than I could have really prepared for or imagined.  I knew she'd be that small but you just can't wrap your head around a person being 4 ounces and 6 1/2 inches long until you hold it in the palm of your hand.  And yet she seemed just right to me.  A miracle.  Not the miracle we were planning on, but still a miracle.
My doctor and nurses were wonderful.  They let me hold her as long as I wanted.  Nothing at all was required of me.  They told me that when I was ready they had a few things they'd need to do both for medical purposes and for me to have some keepsakes.  They validated every bit of this experience as real.  I didn't miscarry.  I delivered a silent baby.  They said this is called neonatal death.  She was too young to be called stillborn but too old to be a true miscarriage.  That may seem trivial but it validated so many of my feelings.  I eventually let the nurse take her for a little bit.  They made us an impression of her hands and feet, took some pictures of her and did hand and foot prints too.  They gave us some little flowers they had used in the pictures as well as the tiny blankets they had wrapped her in.  When they brought her back I had some of my own things to wrap her in.  Thanks to my awesome friend, Sarah, who went thru this same thing back in December.  She passed down some of the things that were given to her that she didn't use with her little boy.  I was able to wrap Delaney in a sweet little sleeping bag style thing with a hood and also lay her on a tiny blanket while I rested with her on my chest.  Again, I just felt so peaceful to have her body there with me. She stayed in the room while we slept last night.  I could have let the nurses take her but it just felt right to have her with us.  I'm glad she was there.
We took a few more pictures this morning before we left the hospital.  Then we spent a little more time with her.  When I was ready we left her there.  It wasn't an easy thing to do by any means, but it was not as heart wrenching as I feared it would be.  It may be that those feelings will come.  I think they will.  But we were okay.  She's okay.  We are all being taken care of.  Our spirits are in good hands.  As hard as this is and will be, and as much as I would be thrilled to watch her body be alive and run around our house and drive me crazy like the other kids, this is an experience that I wouldn't trade.  It is purifying for our whole family.  Unifying and purifying.  The Lord knows what is best.  We are an eternal family.  And now we have one more reason to live up to that standard.  One more reason to keep our covenants and do our best.  We will be better in the end because of our perfect girl.