Not what we were expecting!

I really have no idea how to start writing this. I just know that even though I'm not one who typically needs to write and I don't usually even want to write, my body, mind, soul will not let me do anything else until I get some of these thoughts down. I really just want to sleep. Or cry.
We decided in October that although we weren't sure exactly when we'd start trying for a baby, that it was time to remove my IUD so that we had control of things. In December Jeremy and I thought we might be pregnant but when the test was negative we knew it was time to start trying. Remember the Friends episode when Phoebe lies to Rachel about her test result?... Once you know the result, you really know what you wanted the result to be. Jeremy takes everything in stride. But I knew then that I wanted to really try. January's test was positive. We are SO blessed that way. Infertility has never been one of our trials. For that I am so very very grateful. And I truly recognize that being able to conceive is such a wonderful gift I've been given.
Okay, so, its January. Well, I guess I found out the first week or so in February. I was just over 3 weeks along. Jeremy was out of town. So I waited for the next 3 days to tell him because I just didn't want to do it over the phone. That seemed like forever! I was so glad when he walked in the door!
But here we were, broke, with a 5 passenger vehicle and already 5 family members, no job and pregnant. What would people say? What were we really thinking? Well, we felt so strongly that Heavenly Father was ready to send us another little one, that's what we were thinking. We knew it was the right thing. We KNOW it was the right thing. But you can't just go around saying that. I really didn't know how to tell people. I didn't want to be questioned on if it was the right thing or not. And it was SO early. We had two miscarriages between our boys. We knew we'd wait a little while to make our big announcement. But the weeks went on and I would get excited and then decide it wasn't time yet. We spent more time with our extended families in those first 12 weeks than we usually do all year. There was a wedding, then a funeral, then another wedding. Lots of travel, lots of keeping my mouth shut. At times I wanted to blurt it out and other times I was so glad that I didn't have everyone around me asking me how I felt. And I felt just fine - I'm one of the few who doesn't suffer at all from morning sickness. Another HUGE blessing that I'm well aware I've been given. I've been pregnant 6 times and I threw up maybe twice during all my pregnancies. And those 2 times were explainable for reasons other than pregnancy. I am OH, SO grateful for my body handling the hormones the way it does. (I'll let Jeremy speak for himself on how my brain handles them! Haha!) This pregnancy has been a breeze.
I've recognized my rambling. I'll get to the point. Maybe.
We had our second ultrasound of this pregnancy today. We were so excited to find out if it was a boy or a girl. The kids came with us. We could hardly wait. The kids all want a sister. Zack especially. He ADORES Chloe. He is her knight in shining armor and she tells me all the time that she's going to "get married to her Zack-o tack-o in the temple". He takes good care of his little sister. Aiden, being logical, wants a sister since we only have one girl and two boys in the family. It is unbalanced and he needs a little more order to things ;) Chloe, not having a sister, naturally wants one!
Zack came in my room early this morning and asked when we get to go to the doctor to see "if the baby is a sister". He was dressed and eating breakfast by 7:15am. He's my earliest riser but he was seriously more excited for the ultrasound than he was for his first swimming lesson of the summer later on this morning.
Everyone else eventually crawled out of bed and we rushed to get out the door by 8:30. And I chugged my 32 oz. of water on the way there. I should have had that done by about 8:00. Oops :) I love my doctors office. I've only had two appointments at this location, but they get me in and outta there in such a timely manner. I once waited an HOUR past my scheduled time for an ultrasound. I had to pee SOOOO bad by the time they would let me! Not at this office.
So we all go to the ultrasound room and the kids get in their seats. I get on the table and we all start waiting to see this baby's 'parts'. The ultrasound tech spoke English well but it was clearly not her first language. She seemed a little short with me. I asked if we could look for gender and she quickly announced that she couldn't tell. What did she think we brought the kids for? To see how big the kid's head was? Couldn't she check again? Couldn't she twist that little wand in a different direction? What the?? And then she was done. Just like that. Shortest, strangest ultrasound EVER! We were escorted back to the waiting room. I told Jeremy I was concerned. It just wasn't normal. Soon we were back in an exam room. My thoughts were racing. Why did that seem so strange? Is this ultrasound tech new? Did she really get all the measurements she needed? I remember my other kids taking a lot longer to measure than this time. I had all these thoughts adding up in my head. I was getting really concerned. They didn't give me pictures. Why the heck not? Should I complain?
The nurse took my blood pressure. Then left the room. She didn't do the doppler to hear the heartbeat. I still haven't heard the heart beat. Wait... the ultrasound tech didn't do the typical heartbeat measurement. I didn't even hear it coming from the machine. That's when I knew but I didn't want to scare the kids and I didn't want to be crying before the doctor even came in. But I KNEW this was not what I had hoped for today.
Laura, our amazing, sweet, wonderful doctor came in somber (as I expected). She asked how we were doing. I said "I'm not okay. What's going on?" I'm sure she knew that I knew. She put it as gently as she could. "I reviewed the ultrasound and it looks like your baby has passed away." I started crying and then explained to the kids what that meant. Aiden burst into tears and Zack followed. Sweet Chloe was worried about me. She didn't really get it yet. We talked for a second with the kids, then with Laura and then took one more look in the ultrasound room. Sure enough, no heartbeat.
We went back to the exam room and talked for a while about what happens next.
It seems like I should JUST be sad today. I "think" I should be sobbing and sleeping and catatonic. Thankfully I'm not. I have some things that I'm grateful for. Of course, I would rather not have these things to be grateful for. I'd RATHER have a healthy baby in me. I'd rather be telling the world that we are having that long awaited SISTER!!! That my kids are already calling her by name and kissing my tummy. But in the midst of pain and heartache we have to find things to be grateful for. If not, we will always be miserable. And shame on any of us who don't recognize the Lord's gentle mercies amid the darkness. I am certainly at fault for this often but I do have things to be grateful for today.
First and foremost is that I will not be a big fat pregnant person waddling her way thru the Arizona summer. What kind of crazy person PLANS to have an October baby? In Arizona! It's not all its cracked up to be. 115* is hot enough when you are skinny and full of energy. Fat and full of a baby is not for summer. Its a sport that's just better suited for the winter olympics.
Second, is that I have had 3 c-sections. I've desperately wanted to have a vaginal delivery. I know that to you it may seem strange, but even under the circumstances, I am so grateful to be able to have this baby delivered that way. For me its some kind womanly rite of passage. And I've craved it for many years. I'm also SOOO grateful that I don't have to have it by c-section.
The third thing I'm grateful for is that my doctor said that in no way does this mean we can't have another baby. We were pretty sure #4 was it for my body. I'm glad I can still have a living #4 at some point.
I haven't talked to anyone about this much yet. I told one friend because I went straight from the Dr's office to swim lessons with the kids. Her kids and mine are in lessons together. I'm glad it was her. I had talked to my mom, Jeremy had talked to his mom, and that was it. Michelle was so sweet. She's taken my kids for the afternoon and is bringing dinner to us. I will get to a point where I can tell people. Probably in the next day or so. I feel the same as I did before making our announcement in a lot of ways. I want to blurt it out, but I don't want the "how are you doing?" questions that well intending people ask. I ask the same questions! Its not a bad thing, just I don't want to answer! Not yet anyway.
 But for the record, I'm doing ok. Not great. I haven't gotten out of bed in 2 hours. And its 3:00 in the afternoon. I'm sad. I have a dead baby inside of me. It's a horrible thing to know. Guys think it would be weird to have a living baby inside of them. That is the most wonderful, amazing things I've ever experienced. I LOVE IT! If I could be in a state of second trimester glory all my life, I might accept the offer. A baby moving inside of me is precious and sacred to me. I actually felt this little person moving earlier than I have felt any of my other babies. I was just past 16 weeks when I felt it squirm for the first time. I know that it was a gift from Heavenly Father. Something telling me it was in there and it was a little person who I already loved. Add that to my list of things I'm truly grateful for today. I didn't feel it move, of course, for the last week but I didn't think it was odd until this morning when I was getting ready for the appointment. That was one of my earlier twinges of concern. I briefly thought "I wonder why I haven't felt anything for a while". But I dismissed it cause I'm still early and I've been busy enough to just not have noticed.
When I had my first miscarriage, around the time Aiden was 6 months old, I felt oddly unattached and indifferent to that pregnancy, even though it was one we had planned. When we found out that Chloe had a cyst on her lung, I had had feelings of concern leading up to that ultrasound too. I've had little concerns, unfounded -or so I thought, that this baby might not be okay. For a couple of weeks, I guess. I have been prepared, although I fought all of those feelings and worries because I think I worry too much, for each of our little bumps in the road regarding pregnancies. I always recognize those feelings better in hindsight. I'm grateful for those tender mercies because even though I don't let the worries overwhelm me, they do help me prepare for what is coming.
Heavenly Father really is aware of me and helps me to handle and cope with the challenges that he sees fit to put in my path. This experience will be a learning and growing one for our kids too. I don't know if we will give this baby a name or not, but we have been able to talk about eternal families today and remind the kids that we can see this baby someday. Its good for me to bear my testimony of that to them. It helps remind me of the Lord's plan and the eternal perspective that I need. I'm grateful for my trials. I'm blessed. I know that. This is hard, but I can handle it. I have 3 healthy little kids who are just perfect and an amazing husband who lets me sob on his shoulder. Life is pretty good.